Thursday, March 17, 2005

Casualty of Abnormal Normality

Slate's screed on the 11 teams you should hate is hilarious, but I especially enjoy this little rant they included from a Georgetown fan attempting in a gropish fashion to defame Jim Boeheim:

"Jim Boeheim is a single-minded dweeb. If you cut open his shiny, bald skull and looked at his brain under a microscope, you would see that the neurons are permanently frozen in a 2-3 zone. Every day at breakfast, while he reads the morning papers, he sucks the air out of two fresh basketballs using a custom-made straw. Then he bathes in basketball holy water, hauled into his home from wells in Springfield, Mass. Afterward, he flosses his teeth with a basketball net. He smiles in the mirror, and his mouth squeaks like a gym. His false teeth are carved from the same wood as the floor of the Carrier Dome.

All of which is my way of saying that I'm a Georgetown fan. This year, for the seventh time in the last eight years, the Hoyas won't be in the NCAA tournament. I don't know how much longer I can carry on the rivalry without Georgetown making the dance—I'm running out of ways to mock the bionic Boeheim and his perennially successful teams. There he is now, walking courtside with a cane. I hear it's made out of Rony Seikaly's femur."


They implore us to hate Syracuse, because, well, Jim Boeheim's tired strategy ALWAYS WORKS. I'm sure as Boeheim got his 700th win and won the Big East Championship this somehow it's "stale" even though no one has found a way to defeat it. Gee, I guess. . .what? Most of this is just completely nonsensical. We should hate him because his lives and breathes basketball? Isn't that kinda the point of being a basketball coach? Gotta love those "witty" Georgetown fans, as they get smacked down again and again. They remind me of myself trying to talk smack about Virginia Tech football. Another great snark:

"Led by sore-losing, ref-haranguing coach Mike Krzyzewski, Duke has long been a hotbed of whininess, but junior J.J. Redick is the first Blue Devil to publicly elevate it to an art form."

This is great reading for sports-fan and ignoramuses alike (of which I am both).