Monday, January 30, 2006

Safeguarding Our Nation's Privates (Screw You, Taxpayer!)

Often, because I am a red-tape slinging bureaucrat at the Department of Health and Human Services, I get no respect. I describe what I do for a living and people show some mock interest, immediately asking "Where?" And when I answer you can see either two things 1) disappointment or 2) downright scorn. Reaction 1 usually comes from liberals who think this Department has basically been ruined over the years because it's not a bastion of socialist nationalized healthcare, and Reaction 2 usually comes from conservatives who wish it didn't exist. Often I get questions from my family members like "why not work for Homeland Security?" Wow, that's a much more cogent mission everyone can get behind. I often ask myself the same question. And with this story, it appears there are even more benefits to working there!

The DHS computer network is such an ineptly run mess that it's unknown how many of those 65 million porn alarms are really caused by Homeland Security employees looking at naked pictures.

An expensive network of programs are used to constantly spy on all employee computers, but it all works so poorly that nobody can tell the difference between one cubicle drone looking for "oral sex" pictures or another typing the word "behavioral," Washington Technology reported today.

What is known for sure is that porn alarms are going off at an explosive rate.

In July 2004, for example, the DHS network was logging 5.4 million "security events" per month. Less than a year later, when Inspector Skinner collected information for his investigation, that number had skyrocketed to 21.6 million per month.

The report concludes that Homeland Security has a laughably vulnerable computer network that is pounded by a steady stream of virus and hacker attacks while DHS employees engage in highly unprofessional and dangerous computer activities.

Here's the report. Apparently not only do you get to have a job some people think might be useful, you can actually not do said job and search for porn all day! Boy. Why am I WORKING for God's sake? Let this be a reminder to Security nuts. Just because a Department has a nice testosterone-drenched name like Homeland Security or Defense doesn't mean it's any more useful/functional than pinko Departments like mine.